Permanence
“I thought it would break when the vial turned hot pink. This baby will be doctor’s baby.This time I used an “Early Response” pregnancy test kit. I checked for an “early response,” despite the fact that the response had been less than early. For weeks I had the sick stomach feeling, the nausea, the urgent hunger, the desire to cry and to laugh.Now, eight transparent test vials take up space on the dining room table. I stare at them, dressed in the same clothing I went to sleep in the night befor...e—Jamie’s blue and yellow horizontally striped pajamas.I sit and stare at the vials. This is like déjà-vu.But I will say nothing of this pregnancy to doctor. I will keep the truth to myself. This is the truth for now and the future: I will not bring this child to term. Never, I think.“Never,” I say out loud, as I sweep my hand over the dining room table and shatter the vials against the wall.Love“I’m learning to live alone,” I say.“Why?” asks doctor.“Because alone is the way I want to live.”“I don’t believe you.”“I don’t think about living with another man or anyone else for that matter.MoreLess
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